You Had Me
by IronAmerica
Summary: Danny is *her* son. He's not someone else's baby.


Hey, it's a new story! Rachel is in _serious_ denial about her mothering skills.

Un-beta'ed, so quibble away.

- o – o -

You Had Me

Rachel paces, worrying her lower lip between her teeth.

She hasn't seen Danny since he was six. He was so young. What if he doesn't remember her? The woman crosses her arms over her chest, and stares up at the night sky. Without electric lights bathing Philadelphia in a warm glow even after the sun has set, Rachel can see the stars.

A small smile graces her features as she picks out the constellations, one by one. Her favorite is Ursa Major. Ben always told her she was a bit of a mama bear when it came to her babies. Rachel thought the comparison was accurate. She shoves aside the memories of how she abandoned them. It was for the best. She had to.

Her guard twitches restlessly, and Rachel stops pacing. She's been patient for nine years. A few more minutes won't kill her. In some small part of her heart, she wishes it had been Charlie that Captain—Major, now; and that fact worries her—Major Neville had captured and brought to Philadelphia. Her little girl was always so strong and so brave. Charlie was the protector of the family; Rachel _knows_ that Charlie would have taken Danny's place if she could.

Rachel's thoughts focus on Danny. He was such a little trooper. She feels the most guilt at abandoning him, but it goes away when she remembers how, instead of turning to her, he always looked for Charlie or his father to hold his hand during an asthma attack. Rachel wants to blame him for that, but she can't. She had to be the family caretaker, and there just wasn't enough left for her to comfort Danny. Charlie had to know that she was loved and adored, and Ben had to be motivated to keep running. There just wasn't enough affection left for her youngest child.

The mother regrets that now. What if Danny's forgotten her? But Ben had a picture. Danny would have learned about her from that, and from Ben's stories. Ben would make sure their baby would remember her. She tries hard not to think about how she abandoned him, left her husband to raise two children on his own, one of whom was disabled and liable to die.

She could have brought her family with her. She could have. She didn't. Rachel knew she was selfish. She'd wanted Bass and Miles—her first crush, Ben's older brother—to herself. She didn't want to share their affection with her family. Now she wishes she hadn't been that selfish. Her husband would still be alive.

Rachel sits back down on the bench, staring at her hands. She wishes she could have told Ben how sorry she was. Wishes that her warning, her guilty conscience, had been stronger, more obvious. She wishes that she could have broken from the faction she helped create, prepared better for the disaster she willingly caused. She'd known the pendants would be turned into weapons. She'd laughed with approval as she imagined the panic—because she would have been prepared. Except… Except she hadn't planned on Ben. Ben and his faction, with stupid Grace and Randall, ruining everything. They'd created a splinter group within the project, hiding critical information on their pendants. Ben kept one of them; Rachel hadn't told. Her conscience wouldn't let her. Grace and Randall had the same information. She knew there were more—her pendant and the rest from her faction were in the Northeast. The rest were…somewhere.

Her baby was going to be tortured to find those pendants. Rachel wishes she was stronger, because then she could tell Bass where to find the three or four she knew about, precisely. But she can't. Her baby boy will forgive her, though. She's his mother.

Rachel jumps when she hears the clicking of two pairs of boot heels on the brick path. She begged Bass to let her meet her baby out here, instead of in her room. She doesn't want Danny to see how she's lived, in such luxury, for so long. She needs her son to love her, to remember his mommy.

And there's her baby. He's gotten so tall. Tears spring to her eyes, because he looks so much like Ben, except for his hair and eyes. He has blonde hair, shaggy and unkempt. His piercing blue eyes have gotten so beautiful. She presses her hands to her face, sniffing back the tears. Her baby is still there, looking out.

But…

Rachel flinches internally at the hurt and confusion in her baby boy's voice as she hugs him. She's his mother! He's her little boy! Why doesn't he remember her?! She pulls him into a hug, rubbing his back and hair, telling him she'll make sure he's okay. She sobs into her little boy's shoulder, telling herself he's so stiff because he's tired, because he's been beaten.

Rachel waits until Danny, trembling with fear and anxiety, leaves before she collapses to the ground, sobbing. Her baby doesn't remember her. Her baby doesn't know her anymore.

It's not fair.

Rachel wipes her eyes on her shirtsleeve, promising that she'll make up for lost time.

She's going to give Bass the location of one of the pendants in exchange for "Maggie", and that bitch's head on a platter.

_She _is Danny's mother.

Not Maggie.

- o – o -

So, what did you think? Good? Bad? Is Rachel evil or just seriously out of her mind? Drop a line and let me know!

Author's note: This is loosely connected to my FOHL 'verse, which started with Thought of You a few weeks ago. I will publish the story list in chronological order (as it stands now), over on my tumblr page. If you would like to see how it stands now, look for Dragormir.


End file.
